… gone



what is it with this thing
this thing between you and me

this thing that keeps growing 

keeps changing

devolving 

deescalating

driving rivers and driving wedges 

firmly between our shores

caught within the clasp

of a million minutes past

bringing it up

sinking us down

leaving not even enough room for light

much less love

rushing ever swifter towards a calling that cannot be denied

but a calling that leaves me

not by your side.

Copyright © 2017 Tamika Brown and TheFynePrynt.com

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The Diagnosis


If we’re completely honest with ourselves, there is always a sign. There is always that very first instance that makes us aware that something exciting is about to happen or that something is wrong. Oftentimes though, we ignore it, we put it to the side. We shrug it off as if it’s nothing.

Towards the end of December 2014 I had an itch on the side of my boob but thought nothing of it. I just thought it was some bumps. I thought – “now that I have some real insurance, I should go see my GYN for a checkup and schedule my mammogram since I’m on the verge of my 40th birthday.”

**It should be noted here that for the previous 4 years I had been in varying states of self/under/un-employment.**

Anyway, fast forward to January 2015 and I finally made an appointment because the small patch I thought were just bumps were still present but felt like they were moving when I would touch them. The PA who did my breast exam in early February described them as “peas”.

She scheduled my mammogram and denied my request for a new birth control prescription … “let’s wait and see what the mammogram says.”

Two weeks later I’m in for my first mammogram which includes a diagnostic. For those who don’t know, this means that in addition to the awkward, super squeezing boob machine there is an ultra-sound type test they do. {there’s a lot more to this part of the story but more on that another time} The results came back and there were 2 suspicious areas.

I got a call from both my GYN and the breast surgeon she recommended me to. Needless to say I was already going nuts — internally of course. NOBODY wants to hear from 1 doctor in a day, let alone 2 …

The very next week I was in for a core needle biopsy, which also has it’s very own story.

My surgeon had decided to biopsy the second area first because of its location. This was not “the peas”. This was an area only detected by the mammogram. She was less worried about this area but wanted to biopsy it first because it would be a little bit more involved than the area of “peas”.

Two weeks later I was in for the results. I was as nervous as nervous could be. But, I consoled myself with this thought while I was waiting for the doctor. Don’t laugh.

I was sitting in the exam room, fully dressed, waiting for what felt like an eternity and thought “You know what? It’s fine. Everything is fine. In all the movies and tv shows the doctor takes you into their office if it’s bad news. I’m not in her office. I’m in the exam room, fully dressed to boot! It’s fine. I’m fine”

The doctor breezed in, with 2 interns in tow, said hi, grabbed her little stool, rolled over to me, put her hand on my leg while simultaneously saying:

It’s cancer.

For those keeping count, in the span of roughly 5 weeks I went from being just Tamika to Tamika-with-a-cancer-diagnosis.

Copyright 2016 Tamika Brown/The Fyne Prynt 

Well Ain’t That A …


So I was sitting at my desk speaking to a colleague {white woman} when another colleague {Black man} walked up. 

He was looking for vending machine change from my “change pot”.

He pulled money from his pocket, he only had billsz

I started dancing .. a la stripper meme when money comes out.

She held her hand out …

She then commented: “you started dancing, I just held my hand out…”

We all laughed but hours later I find myself thinking “well damn, ain’t that how life is …”

Some gotta put in werk, others, need simply to hold out a hand.

Being

sometimes the Brilliance is so bright it Causes momentary Disorientation. the Warmth and Fullness of a smile not easily won but once Obtained, is given over Freely. the nearly imperceptible Hesitation falls away, Becomes nothing more than a Fleeting fancy meant to provide just enough Distraction from your light. it cannot succeed though. you are so much more than what Even the most Flattering thoughts convey about You. on Some level of your being you Understand this to be true. yet you hold yourself above none – Insisting That although your light shines, It is not to blind, but to Illuminate.

Copyright © 2014 Tamika Brown and TheFynePrynt.com